Protection for a tender heart.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. My surgery is at 11:30am... and I am still not excited about it. Not that I ever expected to be. I am one of the few people in the world that thrives on community so much, that even when I am completely alone, I can imagine a community around me and be content. Funny, eh?

But not today...

I'm sitting on my bed crying, while trying desprately not to let my roommates or the people on the phone hear me. Why? I don't know. I have amazing friends. I really do. God has blessed me far beyond anything I could imagine in that area. I just feel so alone tonight. The girls in my life care about me far more than I will ever understand, but I miss the guys. When I am afraid, girls get on my nerves. I need a guy to come and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that when I wake up, he'll be there waiting for me. Not necessarily that he is in love me and wants to marry me and all that stuff... just that he is my friend, and I will not lose him. My heart needs that protection today more than others.


God is so good to me. He knew exactly what I needed tonight. I called my friend Steve's apartment, knowing that he was at work. I just wanted to leave a message for him for when he got home. His roommate answered. We talked for about 15 mintues about the many things going on in life these days, and he asked me about my week. I told him about my surgery tomorrow to tell him that I wouldn't be doing much this week. The kindness I experienced in the next 5 minutes broke my heart. He was so encouraging, and promised to pray during the procedure. I had no idea why, but I felt like he was saying words I'd never heard before. I knew that if I were in the room with him, I could have had the hug I needed so badly, but up to that point had no idea that I had needed.


I realized that something was missing in my life. I have a good friend from my past, that I rarely see or talk to anymore, but he is still in my mind often. He would call across the country, continent, or even the world, just to see how I was doing and pray for me. We ended every phone call spending 10-15 mintues praying together. I can't remember the last time that has happened. I miss his compassion. I miss guys that will put their arm around me just to make me feel safe. I miss long talks about heartfelt dreams and desires. I miss it when it's gone, but some day I know I will have that again. Protection. Compassion. Kindness. Prayers. God is so good to me.