How do you say thank you?

How do you thank God when he has blessed you beyond your wildest dreams. I mean, seriously.... "Thank You." just doesn't cut it. I spend years asking, begging, pleading to have my way and so many times, I get a gentle, "No, not today" in return. "God, can I please have this? Go there? Know them? Do this?" "No, not today." I try to be patient, after all - I know he knows what he is doing... but it's so hard. I'm so impatient. So I pout and whine like a child. Perhaps that's the problem....

Then one day I tell him that I am content. I will stop trying to change his mind. He knows what I want, but he also knows what I need. Most importantly - He knows what will bring him the most glory. Almost instantly he says "Yes, it's time." Suddenly the reasons I had to wait for so many things are crystal clear. He really did know what he was doing. The blessings start to pour out and I find myself "standing at the floodgate, steady as an earthquake." Not only am I blessed, but I am blessed far beyond what I could have ever asked for. When you are a prideful, selfish, sinful, completely out-of-control human being, how do you thank an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God for taking the time to make your dreams come true? Wow...

Putting God in a box

I think I'm guilty. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot for several weeks. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it, but I thought I'd share anyway. It began when I found out I had cancer. A lot of my family and friends immediately began fretting over the obvious: what was going to happen to me, how serious is it, would it kill me, will I ever have kids.... perfectly ligitiment questions. One of my first thoughts was, "Great. The IMB will never let me be a career missionary now." Funny how our minds work, eh? Mission work is all I've ever wanted to do, so this hit me pretty hard. After the surgery, the doc told me the cancer was all gone, never to return, so my hopes went back up again.

Around this time, two of my friends started dating one another. She has a passion for Hispanic people. She loves the culture, the language, the people. She has done mission work with them in the past, and wants to in the future. He doesn't have this same passion. Granted, he has nothing against the idea, it's just not his heart's desire. The discussions that they had with one another while deciding on whether to pursue a relationship or not have, in the last couple of weeks, been very important to me.

I was talking with her in the car, not long ago, about how she came to the decision that it was ok to date this man that did not share the same passion that she did. She told me about some of the things they discussed and somehow, out of nowhere, it clicked in my head. I was putting God in a box. Not just any box, a Lindsey-made box specially designed with my goals and intentions in mind. Yes, God has given me the ability to learn Swahili, but that may just be his way of showing me that he can teach me any language that he wants me to learn. Yes, he's given me a heart to reach Muslims, but perhaps that's his way of showing me that if he can give me a passion for such a tough group of people, he can give me a heart for any people group. Yes, he's given me the opportunity to serve in Africa, but perhaps that was his was of teaching me that he can help me make it anywhere in the world.

I've come to realize that I need to let go of my plans and let God direct me as he wants. Chicago, Mongolia, Egypt, Louisville, Japan, Zimbabwe, Bosnia, Cambodia, single, married, women, youth, ESL, water projects, disaster relief, whatever. I am his to do with as he wishes.

Not my will, but thine, Oh Lord my God.

Out of pain killers

Yes, that's a sad place to be: having no painkillers. I'm going to the doc today which means he's probably going to poke and prod a little and I would really like to get drugged up first. I don't like pain. Alas, I guess I will have to face the pain head on. I'm glad God gave me friends with hands to squeeze the fire out of while I'm there. Thank you to all those martyrs. You are the truest of friends (Ashlee, I hope you can feel your fingers by now).

I miss church.

Yeah. I miss going to church more than just about anything else since I've been cooped up at home. I'm going to try to sweet talk someone into taking me tonight. One attempt has already failed b/c the friend I asked is staying late. Oh well. I miss staying late at church for choir practice and hanging out with the youth. I can hardly wait til I find the right church for me to jump back into all that fun stuff again. Anyway, back to the problem at hand: getting to church tonight. I'm sure I can find another friend I can go with, though. Let's see... who else can I call.... Ah, I know. Jessica. The ever faithful friend.

One moment please.... I need to make a call.....

Oh yeah! She always comes through for me. Thanks a million, Jess. You take care of me more than I could ever ask. Yea!!! Tonight I get to go to church! I'm excited... can you tell???

Been there, done that, got a t-shirt

It's funny how God foreshadows things in your life...

Have you ever seen those commercials for one of the hopsitals in Louisville. You know, the one with people holding a sign that says "cancer free for ___ days, ___ hours, and ___ minutes." Ever since I saw that commercial for the first time, I've wondered if I might get one of those signs one day. I'm sure most of you have heard the song by Tim McGraw Live Like You Were Dying? It kinda made me wonder the same thing. What if I got some disease like cancer. How would I live? Not that I'm a morbid person. At least I don't think I am.

It's interesting though, that God began preparing me in little ways long ago for what I'd be going through. He takes amazing care of me. I don't show my appreciation for it nearly enough. Seriously though, I have no idea how often He saves my butt or blesses me beyond belief and I don't even realize it. I have got to be the most blessed person on the planet and I'm so blind to it. How did I get so loved?

Funny point: You know those T-shirts that say "Body piercing saved my life" with a cross or something like that on the back? Whenever I'm messing with my incision, one of my roomies tells me that I should make a shirt that says "Body peircing saved my life... twice." Hee hee. That makes me laugh.

By the way, I've been cancer free for 19 days, 18 hours, and I have no idea how many minutes :-)

Things I've learned this week

All this alone time leads one to some reflection.... like it or not. Here are some random things that I've learned about myself and my little world:

• I'm not nearly as motivated to study as I thought I'd be.
• Pink isn't as bad as I've always thought.
• Good men make me feel safe... and I like it.
• I can cry pretty easily.
• Codine really does make me.... hostile.
• It's easy to go over your cell phone minutes when you're home alone all day.
• I like daisies.
• Mad Libs do get old after awhile.
  
• I can pass out pretty easily.
  
• My stomach is much weaker than I thought it was.
• I like McDonald's a lot more than I ever thought I did.
• Krispy Kreme is comfort food.
• I miss music when I don't have it in my life.
• My Papaw really is the cutest man on Earth.
• QB's a lot nicer than we give him credit for.
• Melissa has a stronger stomach than most of my friends.
• I don't seem to have the perfect pillow.
• I miss Mike and Jason a lot when they aren't around.
• I like girls more than I thought I did.
• I can be incredibly selfish sometimes.
  
• I miss going to the gym when I'm stuck at home.
  
• I'm not nearly as tough as I pretend like I am.
• My parents can, in fact, get along when their little girl is in agonizing pain.
  
• TUMS don't always make you feel better.
• There is nothing in the world like a good book.
• Rachel is tougher than I give her credit for.
  
• Life is more fun when the cute boy calls you, rather than you calling him :-)
• A shower does wonders for making you feel better.
  
• Bottled water tastes funny.

Well, there ya go. These are but a few of the many things I've thought of today. Enjoy!

The sound of silence

I love the sound of silence. I imagine that surprises you. Sometimes it surprises me. There is very little that irritates me more than people who talk just because they don't like the silence. It's easy to fall into that, but I don't like it nonetheless. I enjoy spending time with just one other person. It doesn't always matter who that person is. I love it when you are comfortable enough with a person, that you don't have to talk all the time. You can just sit together... and be.

Silence... ahh, it's a beautiful sound.

Home nurses

It's so weird to have a nurse that comes to your home. I don't know why it's weired, but it is. My darling Melissa came over last night and again this morning to help me change my packing/bandages and stuff. She is an amazing friend! I can hardly stand to do it to myself, you can imagine how hard it is to find someone to weird enough to help. Thanks for your help Melissa, you are incredible!!!

So, I switched back to my original drugs today. I don't feel much, but then again, what can you feel when you sleep all day. Man, oh man, the stuff knocks me out so fast. Prehaps I should call the cod anc see if I can get some more of the other stuff. It doesn't kill the pain as fast, but at least I can stay awake.... then again, what's the point in staying awake. All I do is watch TV or read a book when I'm awake. The TV I don't like, and the book is nearly finished and I want to make it last as long as possible... though I could get another I guess.

Wow, my blogs are getting boring. I'm going to find something better to talk about tomorrow. Perhaps I'll make up a story. I like doing that. :-) Until next time...

My secret admirer

I got the most beautiful flowers today and the card said they were from "a cute guy that admires and loves you very much." I racked my brain all day trying to figure out who it was and truth be told, the best I could come up with was Mike... dispite his objections. It just seems like something that he would do, being the sweetest man I've ever met.

I found out who it is though... and it's not Mike. It really is the cutest man that I know. And he does love me very, very much. Wonders never cease.

A million things to love about Jessica Alster

Girl.... you rock my world!

• She has the coolest hair on the planet
• She loves Jesus!
  
• She shares everything she has
• She loves to be surrounded by her friends
• She stayed up late with me at the hopsital.... several nights
• She can sing incredibly
• She loves from the deepest part of her soul
• She has a big truck :-)
• She doesn't beat up people that she really wants to beat up :-)
• She lets us party at her house
• She's up late, so I can call her in the middle of the night
  
• I can call her any time that I need something and she's on it!
• She likes country music... a lot
• She's funny.... really funny
• She cut my hair, and it's cute.
• She doesn't give up when she wants something
• She can keep secrets
  
• She took away my braclet while I was in the hospital so the nurses wouldn't think I was DNR.
• It's cute when Jess tries to figure out who I like :-)
• She is one of the most true and loyal people I've ever met
  

A "Happy little tree"

For those of you that have not yet delved into the weirdness that is Lindsey Lee, there's something you should know. I love watching Bob Ross paint. You know the guy. He always adds "happy little trees and clouds" to his paintings. I don't know what it is about him, but his voice and his painting is completely captivating to me. When we were very young, my baby brother and I used to watch Bob Ross all the time. We'd swear he was drugged up while he was painting, but we didn't care. We simply could not change the channel. Even now, years later, when one of us randomly runs into his show on KET, we immediately call the other and sit on the phone watching it together. Ah, what a happy little life.

Last night was amazing for me. I've been cooped up in my apartment for over a week now, and oh how sweet the freedom. No one appreciates freedom like a caged bird. Anyway, back to my story. Last night, my dear Biggz came to pick me up at my apartment and took me to Jess's house. I love Jess. We went to "watch the Superbowl" though we all knew better (though I think Jerrf actually watched a little bit while he worked on a paper). I got to meet and hang out with Mark, who is very cool by the way. Then I sat in the kitchen watching QB and Mike cook and I laughed and played as if my life were normal... man I miss that. Even now, I feel tears in my eyes at the thought of hanging with friends like normal.

These folks, like no others, make me feel an enormous amount of love. I got kisses from 5 cute guys (on the cheek... not that cheek, thank you). Not just 5 cute guys, but 5 cute guys that I love very much. I got to hang with Jess and Sarah and make fun of those cute guys with them. This is one of our favorite hobbies. It's how we show affection :-) Finally the food was ready so I curled up on the couch with my laughing pillow, whom QB and Biggz like to fight over his name (yes, I know that's terrible grammar, unfortunately it's the best I can do).

We popped in a scary movie, so I begged Jason to sit by me. He is by far my favorite person to watch scary movies with. Jason protects me from all the scary people on TV, and besides, he's fun to cuddle up with. One of you girls needs to snatch him up, he's quite a catch. Finally Candice (who Biggz and I decided is WAY out of Biggz's league) and Ashley May showed up so our family was complete. Nothing makes me happier. I didn't get to spend enough time with Sarah, I think, so I'll have to call her and get my fix today. She makes me smile a lot.

Ya ever feel blessed beyond all measure? I sure do.

Movie Quote of the Day

"I've got news for you little lady. I'm sexy. I'm a sexy man of God, and I know it."

- Pastor Dan, Raising Helen

Oh yeah, that's a new favorite of mine.

The Social Butterfly Award

When I was a freshman in college, I was a bit out of control. My first class was at 11:00am, so I felt free to stay up late and go out with my friends... what was I thinking? Anyhow, at the end of the year, our dorm had these "awards" that everyone in the dorm (about 250 girls) had voted on. I won two awards that year, the Social Butterfly Award and the Night Owl Award. Oh, I was so proud of myself. My mother made fun of me relentlessly. Hee hee... that makes me laugh.

Well, the Night Owl thing has slowly gone away, but the Social Butterfly lives on. This last week or two, I have been surrounded by loving friends. In fact, there was very little time that I was alone.... which was totally okay with me. Last night, when the last of my company left, I felt incredibly alone. It worries me a little when I'm alone these days. What if I fall and bust my incision? What if someone calls or comes to the door and I can't answer 'cuz I can't find the energy to get up? I need someone here when I take a shower or bath... just in case.

Cindy had gone to a conference and Rachel was working late. Mike, Jess, and Sarah have a life and I get tired of requiring all their attention, so I decided to leave them alone. Q hurt his ankle and couldn't come over if he wanted to. Jason is doing a conference this weekend (don't forget to pray for him by the way) so I couldn't call him. All I had was my teddy bears to talk to.... and despite popular belief, they don't talk back. I sure tried though. I finally gave up, and tucked Dinky under my head (he's the perfect pillow size for me) and gave Aiden a kiss goodnight and went to sleep.

God has certainly made me a social creature. I have to give Mike props on his obsession with community these days. I most certainly need people, in fact, I need them desperately. He always provides me exactly what I need. I have never been alone when I truly needed someone. It has never mattered how I feel, what country I'm in, who's mad at me, how long it's been since I've seen someone.... I'm never alone. That's nice. It's not good for man to be alone, ya know ;-)

My walls have never looked so white

Wow.... my life has certainly become boring this week. What was the big tip-off? I went to bed at 12:30 last night and woke up at 12:30 this afternoon... I spent 1/2 of the last 24 hours asleep (probably more than that if we count naps). That is so sad. Grant it, my drugs don't exactly help me stay awake, but still... 12 hours!!! Thats out of control, even for me. I have even gotten to the point that I want to clean. Can you believe it!?!? But the crazy part is, I'm not allowed to clean. That, my friends... is irony.

I had high aspirations about what I was going to do when I got home from the hospital. I was going to study several hours a day so that I can stay in school this semester. I was going to read lots of good books that I've wanted to read for awhile. I was going to work on my guitar skills. I was going to talk Mike, Jason, Quinton, and Steve into taking turns coming to my house and helping me down the stairs and taking me for a walk....

Wrong.

I have studied a grand total of 2 hours. When I try to read anything I fall asleep in 5 minutes. I can't even hold my guitar, much less play it. And as for the men... come to find out, they actually have a life outside of me.... who'd of thunk it???

Oh well, life shall go on. My sweet Mike (no, he's not really mine, thanks for asking) bought me an excellent book, and I'm actually staying awake to read it most of the time. I'm determined to make it til evening without turning on the TV today. I'm going to write some cards: some as thank yous to all you awesome people, some to encourage people that need it, and some to people just because I like them. Between reading my book and writing my cards, I think I can fill up a few hours. It will be nice to use my mind rather than watch PBS Kids today :-)

What will today hold? Only my Father knows. He'll let me know when it's time.

When your heart skips a beat

Every once in awhile, you find someone that makes your heart skip a beat. It may not be someone that you plan on spending the rest of your life with (or perhaps you dare not dream it could happen), but they make you smile.... a lot. They come over to visit even when they only have 15 minutes to stay and it takes them 20 minutes to get to your apartment... and 20 minutes to get home. He calls to say hi when he only has 30 seconds to talk. He sings. He prays. He talks. He listens. He loves Jesus so very much. He is a leader. He is a follower. He is generous with his time and love.

And when I think of his smile, it makes me grin.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me so many reasons to smile.